You're Not On Fire Ricky Bobby!

Talking to a woman of God whose name means Life (mentor, sister, friend), the Lord & myself... And of course I'm talking to YOU.

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I want to build.

I bet you thought I was going to say, "I wanna go fast," or "If you're not first, you're last!" While I could write a profound dissertation on what it is like to live your life with Ricky Bobby's initial philosophy, the complexities of identity & how defeat & failure can shape your world... I'll spare you. You will have to wait for the Ricky Bobby references... This is about "growth" & what it feels like. But I digress.

I want to build.

I know some things require tearing down, & I have in the past taken great pleasure in doing that... But I am learning to build.

I am working through anger issues.

I do not go off in a rage, but I bubble. I don't boil. It is rare, but there is a calmness that matriculates & becomes realized agitation. And then... If left unchecked, unsubmitted, unconscionable, it will become fraternal to the Devourer. I am not angry, but I am dangerous if unsubmitted.

I still have many areas of growth.

My heart was lifted up the other day. Partially in pride. But I felt, sensed, tasted the first signs of a breakthrough. I get happy & then I sometimes feel guilty, like I shouldn't bask in it. Why does anything other than complete focus on the presence of God make me feel guilty for being happy? That may sound bizarre, but I am very much still learning how to be human in the most basic ways. I don't know who/what I thought I was before... Gaining any ground in the area of self-esteem makes me (I think) more conscious of self, but less self-aware. I don't know this person.

I am starting to see greatness in the mirror & it feels strange... I don't want to strive in that area. I know great things are just around the corner & while trying to rush that process, I didn't weigh how uncomfortable I would be in being someone other than who I've hated (yet been accustomed to) being. This new me is... new.

I just feel the need to pause & breathe, because I know how pride has had a hold on me and how I can stoop in the area of rejection. I know how I can flip a switch & become "other."

I sometimes don't know when I'm being sincere, when I am not just watching myself live, divorced from the experience, but invested in the consequence of the action. There are ALWAYS consequences. It is possibly metaphysical. (In all my education, I still don't truly know what that word means.) I feel dissociative upon reflection, but not completely as life is happening. I think metaphysical is a distant, yet present reality that my conscious mind can only catch a wiff of like fresh-pressed, apple scented Febreeze, but can't completely possess.

Aloof, but real. I needed to say how "this" is for grounding electricity.

I don't want to go back. I don't feel temptation in that area, but rather a need for Sudafed because it's cold outside, a brisk spirit is cutting through my jacket, & my cold nature hasn't completely been regulated despite the iron capsules that have become as habitual as prayer.

'As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.'

Proverbs 27:17

My nose just feels "fizzy" (like a drop or 2 of Mountain Dew went up my nose) & my throat feels a sharp cold trying to creep into the stronghold of immunity. (Declaration: "Health & wholeness are my portion.")

I need Jesus.

And I still need Jesus...

And I'm walking this out. Being me, I'm walking it out. I just needed to slow down for a moment.

I am going through puberty again. Deliverance.

Nah, forreal! 😅 My skin has changed (not for the better, but praise God for health & wholeness being my portion). My body is changing. My blood... I feel like my DNA is changing. My thought patterns are changing & code is being rewritten... And I just need to slow down. To breathe. To get low to the ground & become so still, so steady, that I am a part of the foundation. I need to be locked-in to the Savior, desperately holding on to His body, because I can't afford to drift again. I can't afford to be cut through by the wind. To slip again. For my mind's record to skip again...

I need Him & the desperation is leaving my voice. I know He is not going to leave me, but I know the "me" of old still has loose soil on the grave. I don't fear the walking dead, & Rick Grimes is somewhere in a far away land, in no way touched by my feelings of infirmity or touchable. Like I said, I NEED Jesus.

That old soul is dead & there is no virus to revive shawty. I believe in evolution... I don't deserve or want to revitalize that old man (person). I deserve a Savior & a new beginning, because Jesus said so.

I'm giving God my all. Rejection, pride, anger... I just need to learn how to harness the joy & the peace & all the good things that were once hidden from me... That's inaccurate. They were never hidden. They were near. His character is not malicious or cowardice. I just couldn't seem to get past the things that blocked me from living...

Purpose & happiness & trust have felt like a whirlwind, though I know it's really the enemy trying to call back that old spirit like Samuel.

'Now Samuel had died, and all Israel had lamented for him and buried him in Ramah, in his own city... And Saul had put the mediums and the spiritists out of the land. Then the woman said, “Whom shall I bring up for you?” And he said, “Bring up Samuel for me.” When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out with a loud voice...

Samuel 28:3,11-12

But the tomb is empty. The grave clothes are coming off, & the one who was bound is getting life back. Peace back. Joy back. Love back.

And I am learning what rest feels like. And how to love & trust again without fear.

It's funny how the prospect of good when you've grown accustomed to bad can throw you. I am learning how to be happy. And calm. And how to not ache all the time.

It's a new place that I believe will be my permanent residence. I'm not anticipating the disaster around the corner or the rejection of people I hope to love.

I can say I love you & like you & still feel weird about it. It's uncomfortable to not have a wall up & unrealistic expectations. You might think you're on a pedestal in my mind, but you're not. I know I don't KNOW you & still love you. It's an odd thing in that in-between as I progress in knowing myself & how to build healthy relationships... Through Christ... Organic relationships. I don't have to tell myself some horror story in order to humanize or act like you're the female version of Jesus-on-the-main-line. Much of it is spiritual, though there is a high level of admiration, appreciation & vibes... Who am I kidding? EVERYTHING IS SPIRITUAL. I can stand to feel uncomfortable & get used to it without being minimally (or high-key) gay about it or seeking a mother when God has given me a sister & a friend & a confidant.

(I do feel like I'm being slick weird about all of this, but this is where I'm at. I don't know what to do with love & haven't yet learned how to be "cool" about it. I feel like Ricky Bobby.)

That was a very long way of processing that I'm finding myself. And I'm going to love who I truly am without the foundation built on whether someone else loves me first or loves me back. As always, you are appreciated & loved.

Fin.

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I've said it direct & I've said it indirectly... You are a blessing.